Mo Versus El Diablo

Mo Versus El Diablo

Mo versus El Diablo

 

Recently, the decades-long war that I have been waging against the diabolical demon known as Insomniosus has escalated. We had been at a relative stalemate for months. I would sleep halfway decently for a few nights and he/she/they/it would lob some standard sleep disrupters at me for a few nights.

Actually, let me backtrack a bit and be honest. Before I totally throw this demon under the bus, I have to admit that my genetics and training also play a role. You see, I am the great, great, great, great, great <insert more greats> granddaughter of the Princess from the Princess and the Pea fame. Also, when I served in the Imperial Army we were almost always up long before dawn. It takes a lot of practice to shoot directly at fleeing rebels and yet never hit them, you know. So anyhow, between my genes and my training we often joke that I sleep so light I can hear a mouse fart.

Princess and the pea
Photo of my great, great, great, great x a lot grandmother courtesy of http://www.angelfire.com/co4/raggbagg/Princess_Pea.htm

But back to my war against Insomniosus. These disrupters sometimes consisted of errant and unruly thoughts about work, a mysterious and ever-shifting lump in my pillow, and the occasional broccoli and brussels sprouts fueled gas attack.

I would typically fight back against these sleep disrupters with relatively standard tactics. I might do some journaling, flip the pillow, sing the Soft Kitty song, use the occasional Advil PM (Note: This is not an endorsement, however, if the makers of Advil PM want to send some money my way, I will not turn it down.), and remembering to take Beano (Beano makers see above.) before that dinner salad.

kitty with soft kitty song words

However, the last week or so, Insomniosus has turned to a truly heinous method of destroying my sleep. She/It/They/He began using a secret weapon. Actually, its not-so-secret as it has been around for eons, but many people may not know of its use as a weapon. Anyhow, this weapon is capable of emitting eardrum-splitting frequencies all while masking its true location. To top it off, this weapon is housed in a small vehicle able equipped to hide in the tiniest of cracks and has super fast evasive maneuvering abilities sometimes rocketing 2 feet into the air within seconds!

I know you are probably wondering what the name of this weapons is. It is called the Cricket. Or as I prefer to call it, El Diablo.

First, it started earlier in the evenings. I was lying in bed, reading a book (like 30 Days to a Pinker Mustache) and just starting to get drowsy. You know that wonderful feeling where the light is hazy and you can almost feel little Snookums, the cat from your childhood, curled up next to you. Anyhow, just as I would turn off the light and snuggle further into my pillow, I heard it.

Chirp, chirp. Chirp, chirp. I turned on the light and it stopped. I waited a few moments then turned the light off again, thinking that it had come from out the window. I had just gotten my pillow into the exact perfect position when it began again. Chirp, chirp. Chirp, chirp. OMG!

I snapped on the light and walked over to the window. Chirp, chirp. Now it sounded like it was coming from directly behind me. How the devil did that happen?!

I turned and tiptoed over to the bookshelf on the wall across from the window. Barely breathing I waited. There was nothing there. Then I heard it again. Now, it sounded like it was coming from beside the bed. I crept over and there was a small, black cricket crouched beside the floorboard.

Ah-ha, I thought. Now I’ve got you. I whipped off my slipper and slapped it down onto the floor. The cricket leaped up into the air, causing me to shriek and flail wildly with the slipper. Whack, leap! Whack, leap! Whack, leap! Finally, on the third whack, I got it.

Of course, by then my heart was racing and I was breathing like a teen hopped up on Mountain Dew. I laid in the bed on my back staring up at the dark ceiling every sense alert and ears twitching at the slightest sound. Confound that cricket and the diabolical Insomniosus!

This went off and on for the next couple of nights. Till Insomniosus and El Diablo ratcheted up their attack. I had read my book and actually drifted off into a sound, peaceful sleep. Then came a sound. In my groggy state, I inexplicably thought that someone was punching a time into the microwave. I rolled over and listened. Nothing. It couldn’t have been the microwave as I was the only one in the house. Hmmm…it must’ve been a silly dream, I thought and started to doze again.

This time I heard the sound clearly. It was El Diablo. He had decided to strike in the middle of the night! I flipped on the light and looked in all his usual hiding places. Nothing. Then I heard the reverberation. It was coming from above me in the vigas and louder than I had ever heard it before! What the H-E-double toothpicks! It was like a cross between DEFCON 4 alert and some sort of insane violin. I dashed out to the garage and returned with a broom and began thumping the ceiling around the vigas. The din stopped…for a second. Then it started up again.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP went the broom against the ceiling while I gnashed my teeth. If El Diablo’s intent was to drive me insane, it was working. I began contemplating using a flamethrower to destroy the little bugger. Finally, I grabbed my pillows, stomped out, and slammed the door shut both to trap El Diablo in the room and attempt to muffle the racket. Hiding out in a makeshift bed down the hall, I pulled the covers around my ears seeking silence.

via GIPHY

Actual footage of me preparing to use flamethrower

The next morning I found El Diablo on the floor, sluggish from his night of noise making, and promptly killed him. This time instead of disposing of the body via the toilet, I left it there as a warning.

photo of dead cricket
Actual footage of cricket body

The next few days I perfected my skills in hunting and destroying each and every El Diablo that Insomniosus sent against me. At one point, I contemplated using toothpicks as pikes to mount their tiny heads upon. Muwhahahaha. However, that idea was nixed after my partner complained that I had already gone too far by littering the house with dead cricket bodies. For now, things have been quiet.

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